A Letter To My Future Bride..


I hope this proof of affection finds you in sound health. I am doing well on my part trying to be my best for the sake of the future we are yet to enjoy together. I am often up and down trying to strike a deal here and there all in an effort to put some bacon on that beautiful mahogany dining table you, our three children and I will be sharing a few years down the line.

I hope you have by now realized that life without Jesus is a futile exercise. I hope you have come to realize that the Bible is the most important and core book that has ever been published. I hope beside you and your pillow its the other thing that shares your bed. (Dollies are a show of weakness and insecurity).

Every day I wish that your eyes have finally opened and showed you that there is more to life than that daily bottle of smirnoff that you have to get a taste of before sleep makes you it’s servant. I hope you’ve come to know that every Friday in a club is a sign of desperation for acceptance by the jobless drunks that characterize those filthy dens of entertainment that can’t go a minute without blaring some Jamaican abuse of music.

Beautiful, I hope your mother taught you how to cook. Remember, when I talk of cooking, I don’t mean preparing tea or bathing water. When the word cooking escapes my mouth, am not talking of boiling githeri the same way you saw your grandma do it back in the village. At least you should be familiar with adding value to that githeri.

Cooking means preparing real food. I love pilau. You must know how to cook that. Preparing ugali is a must know. Remember that some times of the month will be hard and I will have to rush to ocha and come with that flour from the posho mill – Number 17… you know it. Right? If you don’t, wikipedia will help you out. So you must know how to prepare ugali using the same.

I don’t want you to prepare me uzunguish meals derived from a recipe on an uknown blog somewhere. You can try that on that nosy loud woman who will be coming to visit you to give you the latest udaku on the happenings of the estate. That should not even be tried on our children unless that woman assures us of it’s safety. (Nod if you know what I mean).

Daughter of the land, I hope you’re updating yourself on what’s happening in Syria, Nigeria and Uzbekistan. Haha. You should know that Lupita lived in Mexico once… what am simply saying is that you should be up to date with current affairs. When I talk of human rights activists, you should automatically know Alai should not be on the list.

All the same, I hope you’re in school somewhere making yourself less stupid. We all were born clueless so I hope you don’t take offence on the term. Make yourself bright lest our genius last born son tells you that you don’t use ‘repeat’ and ‘again’ in the same phrase.

Lastly dear one, I hope your mother taught you that liers go to hell. My Bible tells me that they will be thrown in a lake of sulphur to burn days with no end. In my house honesty is a virtue that one will be required to possess and hold in the highest regard. Truthfulness and respect will be values that I will have to gauge before I allow you to refer to the house I have built in sweat “my house”!

All in all, My future bride, I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and assure you of the promise tomorrow holds and remind you of the lessons yesterday brought along. Dear one, I can’t wait to scoop you in my arms and whisper naughty nothings into your feminine ears not forgetting to nibble your earlobes to send that awesome sensation down your spine.

I am waiting anxiously to see that smile. Till then, stay safe!


Future Husband.


2 responses to “A Letter To My Future Bride..

  1. Dear future husband,
    i write on behalf of your future wife to put a few points across.
    My dearest one, i will want to have a say on the number of children i will labour to deliver to the said home, so by writing down three here without my consent, i am greatly offended. We might have the three but it is after a deliberation between the two of us, some sweet words of course….
    I have been brought up in a christian way, i know the bible well and hope you know it well too, however do not conceive that to mean that i will be the one to lead our family to church, hell no, you will be the one to do that as the head of the family.
    If you will want to supervise me as i take down a glass of creamy wine after a long day, fine, not that i am it’s servant to it but why else i am i working if not to enjoy a glass of enjoyment after work, this however am willing to keep aside if you have a alternative creative way of having a great time after work.
    My darling, my mother did a commendable job to teach me how to cook, i know how to prepare some good pilau, ugali and the like, i believe you are a hard working man who is adorned with good planning skills, it does not cross my mind that you will rush to your mother back home just to bring in some number 25 grade maize meal, that i will have to make porridge for you instead.Once in a while also you will bear with me when i make other dishes to make life more exciting, you should start researching what is macaroni….
    my lovely one, you should smile now because i am well updated on what is happening around, i know Njoka is a men rights activist …..once in a while we can have a few discussions on women/men rights activists, i also know who heads FIDA….. i am absolutely conversant with that.
    I have hustled a great deal to make myself less stupid, my hope though is that you are even more less stupid than i am. In addition i am honest enough, just enough, you do not expect me to tell you how my boss is trying to make advances lest i ruin our marriage, but for a fact i will not fall into his trap unless of course he has more brain than you, no offense, in my mind i will have chosen a better man than my boss. In the same measure of honesty, i have a stand so i tell you today for a fact that once we sign those papers,your house will become ours, absolutely no debate.
    Lastly now my honey, i believe you have an equally sweet smile, i cannot wait to meet you probably when we are both shopping for some trendy accessories and you ask me for an opinion how a particular trendy watch fits on you, trust me, i have a good taste.

    Till we meet my love,
    future wife.

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