Losing myself in someone has always been my greatest nightmare. The idea and mere suggestion that I might wake up one day to realize that I am so much into a girl that I cant recognize myself has always ensured that I am always super self conscious when I am dealing with a girl – mostly I girl that I like.
Life has a way of throwing us off our game and stability when it comes to some people. People we meet one day and get lost in the warmth of their eyes, the delightfulness and honesty of their laughter, the softness and assurance that characterizes time spent by their side… People we meet one day and realize that we have been searching in all the wrong places. You see, one day you meet a girl and you cant stop listening to her voice as she talks: – the confidence in her arguments, the humor in her utterances, the warmth of her palms as she brushes your hand ever so ‘accidentally’.
She stares directly into your eyes looking for the sincerity in them. She wants to look into the depths of your personality through deciphering and being part of the innermost depths of your being. She has that look that really gets your insides mooshy. You want to grab her by the waist, along Kimathi street and let you lips speak to her in a way that words cant but the streets are too crowded to make the feeling and the moment magical.
So you just let her make your world memorable, through her actions, through fitting her fingers in between yours in such an indescribable way. The whole time you’re just looking at her, wishing that she would have the ability to look at herself through your eyes. You so much wish that she would read your mind and know of the feelings that crush you every moment you look at her picture. Deep down your gut you’re sure that something is sprouting but you don’t want to act too soon lest you destroy the chemistry, so you just hang on, watch and count your blessings.
Abiding by the saying that we only live once, you take your time to enjoy the aura that she fills your life with. You let time pass being intoxicated by her smile, you hold onto her embrace as if everything in your life depends on it, the tightness of her body close to yours makes you think that she is the rib that has always been missing. In that moment and time she’s your Eve – sent to dispel away your insecurities, sent to offer her bosom to rest your tired conscious on, sent to be the warmth in the cold winter nights, sent to be your helper in this trying universe…
In that moment and time, you let your nose feed in the fragrance of her sweet perfume – she smells like fresh roses after a cold, windy and showery night. You breathe in and out… Oblivious of all around you, you swim in the comfort of her presence…
You know that nothing can stop you from being part of the awesomeness that she brings along…
Its all fun and games until she starts talking about this guy that she met in Kaldis… In the mix of her confessions and the bliss that starts to characterize your conversations she loses the sight of you and the emotional gracefulness that you used to offer to each other.
In suppressing your feelings, you start to die slowly until you are like zombies, unconscious, living from the subconscious. You feel cheated for having spent so much time wishing against wish but above everything else you loathe yourself for having felt so much for her. Day in day out you wake up disillusioned, controlled by a pre-programmed belief system of self pity, anger and disillusionment. You cant let her go for she has this effect on you that no one else ever has. The sight of her just makes everything else look alright.
Deep down you understand that the feelings you have for her are beautiful, because they connect you with the world around you, especially the belief that she might feel the same way some day. These feelings have the potential of becoming the conduit through which the world around you and everyone in it can see who you truly are on the inside but unfortunately you don’t have the guts to let them show.