The way God created human beings, He didn’t craft them to be inherently self serving, self centered but unfortunately selfishness has become an undesired end result. In my fickle imagination, I tend to think God wanted a perfect individual made and structured in His own likeness and make whose eventuality would have been a compassionate, selfless and all caring person. The book of Genesis talks of God creating man in His own image. After that we all know that Satan approached naked Eve and that signified the start of the fall from God’s grace.
Can I hear an amen?
Anyways, millions of years down the line, a survival for the fittest syndrome has been fed into our minds and conscience whose end result is a creature devoid of compassion and consideration of fellow man. Of course someone will disagree with this assertion but I believe deep down we know we are selfish.
Let me try to be Dr love for a moment.
In my opinion, the problem eating into most relationships nowadays is disregard for the truth and brazen facts even when they stare at us in the face. What I mean by this is that sometimes we get so much consumed by what we feel for someone that we choose to overlook their faults, sometimes even going to the extent of making excuses for them.
A contractor or a landlord painting over the X sign in a faulty building marked for demolition by the National Construction Authority doesn’t change the fact that the building will come down someday. So is the situation in our relationships. We opt to overlook faulty traits in the hope that someone will change someday. What we don’t accept is the simple fact that people never change. We just adapt. We just turn over a leaf which doesn’t change who we are deep down.
One day someone abuses you physically and you say the reason is that they were drunk… The next day she sleeps around and you say maybe she was drugged or raped… The next time he hits the child then you say it was because he was angry… Then he talks back to your parents and you say it was your fault, probably because you didn’t say they were coming along… The next minute ‘Ben’ calls and you say it was probably a wrong number… The next minute you find the grounds boy in your bedroom and say he was probably cleaning….
When we keep making excuses for the faults in our partners, we continuously refuse to accept that its who they are from deep within. This ends up with statements such as ‘he has really changed since we got married’. He/ She hasn’t changed a bit, you just didn’t take note of the signs that were there from the word go.
I think the problem starts with the ‘ relationship goals ‘ that we fashion when starting our relationships. To start with, I don’t think one can ‘look’ for either love, a companion or a relationship. Unless its a business marketing venture, some of these things can only find us. When starting these, we make the mistake of looking for someone who completes us. We fail to realize that instead of looking for someone to complete us, we should hope we are found by someone who complements us.
Someone who adds to what we already possess; someone who fans the fire burning within us; someone who lifts us to greater heights; someone who adds on to the good traits that we already possess.
Instead of the above, we hope that we get someone to fix our bad traits;someone who will fix our financial strains; someone who will fix our broken self’s; someone who will make us spiritual; someone who will help us with our addiction problems; we tend to loom for a piece to barricade the gap.
In as much as we are all flawed; dented even, it is our responsibility to fix ourselves. No one can do it for us. If we hope someone else does it for us, sooner or later we realize that they also have their dents to fix, some of which are scarier than ours. That’s why I believe that if a relationship is based on ‘fixing’, sooner or later people realize that they looked for a solution at the wrong place when all along the solution was within.
So before you embark on the next ‘anything’, ask God to give you the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other; Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as you would have it, Trusting that God will make all things right, If you surrender to God’s will, So that you may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with God forever in the next as the Serenity Prayer reminds us.
Did I make sense? No? I will try next time.