Sometimes its good to vent and let everything weighing you down out. Its healthy to just let go, light a fire with accumulated pain, frustrations and anger and let everything else, other than you burn.
Let me start of by telling you that i always hoped i would never again find myself in this place of hurt, pain and frustration. All along i had hoped that i learnt my lesson at believing in someone else’s wish and hope that i can come second after their selfishness. I always knew human beings are selfish so i didn’t expect a change in that inherent self centeredness.
But then you happened. I choose happen because i didn’t see you coming. You crept up like a bad dream. One that you don’t see coming or its probability of happening. I was oblivious of everything – you related because I knew myself. I liked you. I can’t say I didn’t. But I knew you were fire that wasn’t advisable playing with.
Despite all those inhibitions, I let you in. At first I was cautious, skeptical even. I let my feelings off. I shut them down. Correctly, they didn’t exist and I liked it that way. I liked laughing with you. Looking at your dimples. Hearing your laughter. It was fun and epic. I enjoyed every moment we could find time to be alone, together.
It was fun and games. Like all fun and games, the whistle was finally blown and feelings started creeping in. I was afraid. I was terrified of being so attracted to you like I have always been to any creature of your kind. I knew feeling like that was trouble. I am obsessive. Not needy but I knew this would bring about problems.
That’s the sole reason I didn’t want to be involved with anyone romantically. I liked alone time. I enjoyed it.
But then here you were. Witty, smart, beautiful and childish. You were all fun and I was all into you. I believed you were into me too. Maybe you were, I will never surely know, but I believed and rolled with it. Getting consumed by desire for you every second.
Then it happened. You called him…
Down the drain everything started to go. I was all in but you started pulling out. Not out specifically, but you were not completely inside.
I knew I should roll, count my losses and hike a bus to Busia. That was the most logical thing to do. But you were there. You did me and I believed that fighting is normal.
Don’t a couples fight?
I asked myself and gave us a shot. A fair one. I was determined to build this. To build us. To be together as long as we desired it.
But it happened again. He happened again. And again and again. Always pulling you out from me and from us. Always casting doubt. You were in and out more times than I can remember.
You didn’t know what you wanted. You were afraid of choosing what made you happier. A past that you could never have or a present that made you better. I don’t know whether its control that you were riddled with or its just outright selfishness that guided your reasoning.
Through all this, I was there. The faithful boyfriend. The hopeful lover. The enthusiastic romantic. The believer in us.
I held on.
As of few minutes ago, I was holding on but the rope has been cut. You’ve cut it. My life isn’t a switch that you can flick on and off at your own convenience.
There’s patience in me but theres also pride. I want to believe so much but I have no reason to.
Here’s my response, let’s be nothing.
I choose to publish this because its the only way I know how. 146 characters wouldn’t have been enough to say all that. I know you will read this, and when you do, consider it a conquest, go ahead and cancel out my name from your hit list.