When you get to read this please don’t cry. I am not worth the tears. NO one is worth your tears. Remember I have told you that endless times. I have lived the best way I could and in such I have disappointed more than I have caused pride. I have caused more problems than provided solutions. I have been the definition of pain other than happiness. I have caused more regrets than I have caused calm, contentment and delight.
I know you might say am getting worked up by something that should be as simple as saying hi but I know you or anyone else for that matter will never quite understand the reason I do what I am planning to do. You will term is as selfish and self-centered, narcissistic, egotistical… Some will even say that I lacked the strength that a woman should possess but who says women can’t break? We were created with the burden of being helpers. The world was placed on our shoulders for us to carry.
But let me say sorry because I know this will cause you more pain than I am currently feeling. I know I am inconsiderate. You don’t have to say that. I know am parsimonious even. Blame me for everything. Curse me if you have to. Say you won’t cry anymore. Say I was a loser on so many levels that I am not worth anything. Call me a jerk… I will understand from whichever abyss that my soul will be locked in. I am writing this as a last conversation because we probably won’t have another. If we do, judgement will be written all over your eyes that I will perish all over again.
It pains me immensely to know how much pain this will cause you. It pains more that I will just be another Jane in his list of people who have had their time. I was closer to you than anyone else and that’s the reason I try at least make you understand even though I know this will never happen. There’s no justification for what’s about to happen. You have been my rock that supported me through the raging waters.
I don’t want to imagine the aftermath suffering after this piece goes to print, or your discovery of it in the bedside table. In my fleety survival, and the few years I have been around, I have always tried to do the best by you because you have never given me any less. You have perfected the art of making me smile no matter how tasking the assignment was and that’s the reason I feel that I owe you an explanation if nothing more.
I am neither leaving because you did something nor overlooked anything. I am doing this because the sanity of my being comes first. You have always told me that contentment of self should come before anything else and that’s the core reason we find ourselves in this painful , though necessary moment.
Theres not much I can say to make it all okay but let me try to make you understand through this piece…
So much Causes me much pain,
My happiness stains,
Time and again,
On it I wish I could rain,
Through shine and rain..
I’m bound on a chain,
My strength is already drained,
Soberness I can’t feign,
There’s not much anymore to gain.
I am done,
With this feeling of iniquity,
Of falling short of being enough.
Forgive me fate,
Forgive me crush,
Forgive me mum,
Forgive me world,
I have just but fallen short.
Reckoning time beckons,
Remember these whispers,
Recall these soft inscriptions,
Come back to this statement of emotion.
The world has taught me pain,
Fate has taught me helplessness,
Experience has taught me patience,
He has taught me obliviousness.
I know it doesn’t say much but it has a lot of depth in every word that’s written. It’s the least I could do after everything we have been through.