It’s just a few minutes to midnight, 15 to be exact. I can’t find sleep and the one person I chat with is already off. So I am left to wander between UB Reader, Medium and Twitter. Nothing much is happening in either of the sites so I am left with my collection of books to try and find something interesting to keep me busy as I search for the elusive sleep.
Its dark outside. The clouds are somber. It’s been raining the whole day and it isn’t stopping anytime soon. The stars in the sky are nonexistent. Blankets of grey clouds engulf the sky and the moon is no longer visible. Its brightness has been overcome by the swooping blackness, and all it can do is sit back and wait for its shine to be completely eaten up by the vengeful weather.
Standing on my window, I can see security lights in neighboring compounds and they are all that can be seen. Trees have covered the building silhouettes but light is that stubborn… it still finds its ways through the leaves… Apart from the sound from my keyboard keys as I hit backspace, everything else is deathly silent. It’s so quiet that I can hear plate tectonics shifting underneath me. The apartment is dark and haunting. I opt to work with the laptop screen light instead of turning on the reading light or the overhead bulb.
The reason I am up this late is because of a girl. Isn’t it always about a girl?
This post is about her, and I believe many people will relate.
We have exchanged several messages tonight and I can feel the sparkle is already gone. How did we get here? What happened that pushed us this far from each other? Is it life? Is it ambition for different things? Is it your new found romance?
I have asked myself those questions before and I never seem to get satisfactory answers to any of them. I have gone through our conversations endless times, gone through my call logs a million and one times, gone back to the email that prompted you to give me your phone number…. All in an effort to retrace our steps and find the lost piece that we might have dropped on the way, but I haven’t found anything.
All I have come across are endless poems you wrote for yourself (and sometimes for us), happy face emojis, naughty conversations in the wee hours of morning and your larger than life personality that was radiated in every exchange we had over those long months.
I have read through your fears, your daily routine from the cold land, your ambitions, your love for children, rugby and darkness in your room (hehe), your career aspirations, your passion for poetry and hiphop, your adoration of Biggie (RIP)…. I have gone through us meeting again and again hoping to find the clue but I haven’t.
Recently I sent you a poem saying I unfollowed you on Facebook. I went ahead trying to explain reasons for doing so but none of these reasons sounded good enough even for me. I might have been too passionate, in some instances even using the phrase “Best Choice” but I was just trying to place the message across.
Before I wrote that, I had been going through your profile (sorry) and I was just realizing how much had happened since the last time we talked. We lost touch, life toughened and we just let it.
This might come out as whining but am just trying to find a good reason why you and I are familiar strangers today when we were so close not long ago. I am trying to understand why a simple hi is just that instead of a show of passion, concern and commitment that it was sometime back. I am trying to retrace my steps back to your arms to seek the comfort that I had in us not long ago.
I can’t conclude that it is passion that died. This would be false because we were not seeing each other then. Maybe that is where trouble started but still I don’t believe this to be the correct recollection of events because we didn’t have an issue with the state of our relationship (or lack of it thereof) back then.
You found love. In someone else.
I am not complaining but I think I wouldn’t have minded if that someone else was me. Maybe I blew my chance by being too honest but that ship left bay long time ago. I was and still am still happy for you. Maybe all you needed was compassion and care that you found in us and later in him and that is perfectly okay. I am not oblivious to the fact that maybe I was the one with the problem. Maybe I didn’t appreciate you well enough to be chosen over everything and everyone else. Maybe I didn’t acknowledge how much of a critical cog you were to my contentment in life and that’s the reason we are here. Maybe I was too selfish to let you cross the line beyond the safety net I had cast around myself…
There are so many maybes but we can only be at peace with the past so as not to mess up our present.
In the words of Georgia Lorene, I want to say that I have not left you. I’m right here. I did not move on to better things. I’m here. I never left. Don’t let the fear that I have, rob us of the comfort of having each other. I might be bad at showing that I care, but I do. My aloofness is not a mark that I’ve forgotten you. I just have problems of my own and that gets to me too.
I wish you would pull down that wall you erected when you thought this was the end and allow me back in again. I’m too out of breath from staying alive that I couldn’t find the strength to fight. I wish you’d see that I, too, feel like you do. And I wish you’d be there for me.
I don’t have much more to say but I will repeat something I have probably told you a thousand times, I miss being lost in you.
How often do we lose critical friendships because of trivial excuses? We talk of assignments that need handing in, reports that need submission, deadlines that need to be met, traffic, the weather, lack of time, money, will, being too tired, we bring Trump into the reasons why we never called ending up drifting further and further from people who really cared about us.
If you’re reading this, let me remind you that it is only through making friends that God gave us the opportunity to choose our family. Don’t let the time you spent building the trust, the laughter, the honesty and the investment you cultivated through time spent together go to waste just because of a tweet you were about to send.