I am lost. Lost not for ways or direction but lost for belief. Caught up between success standards and what’s currently on the table… I am struggling, not with addiction, a nagging girlfriend or an overdue mortgage but with societal perceptions and expectations of where I should be, what I should possess and how much I should have achieved.
All around me everyone has something going.. some have shops that open at dawn, others rush to offices by 7 to submit overdue reports while some keep dialing the mechanic because something in their V8 automobile broke down.
Then there’s me…
Mum expects that I should get a job. She believes that it’s the only thing that will sustain me in days to come. She believes an EFT at the 27th day of every month guarantees me financial security to address my needs and those am currently not aware of. She is right. She is always right.
She is an achiever. She has managed to do so much with so little. My small brother is evidence of that. He is direct, motivated, smart and a true reflection of my mother’s elegance.
So I try. Not to look for a job, but make what I have going work. I try, not to make her proud but to prove to her and everyone else that I can curve my own path, at my age and convince others that it’s a highway. I try, not to disappoint her but show her that there’s an alternative way of making life work. I try, not to be the black sheep but to show everyone that the black sheep is still a sheep.
I have taken a leap. One that distorts previous ascriptions in the same breath threatening mauling by the wolves. I hope it works. I have the will. I have the way. I just need grace.