This must be the 100th time I am writing to you. The past 99, I have said almost everything but I thought I should write to you one last time. Maybe this time some chord in your heart will be touched and you will respond to me. Maybe… Maybe there will be 101st, 102nd…6th… 8th…. But maybe this is the last time. I am not threatening you in any way but I think I am at the precipice of giving up.
When I do I won’t be giving up on us but on the possibility of getting a response. I will be giving up on continuous writing with no rejoinder.
God knows I can never stop feeling the way I do for you.
You must be tired of all this. You must be exhausted of me trying to convince you to listen, if only for a minute to what I have to say. I am saying all this with the assumption that you have read my previous 99 scribbles and if you haven’t this will just add to the pile or worse act as an igniter at your grandmother’s fireplace.
I hope you have read the rest.
I am hoping this is the end because I want to summarize everything I have said in the past.
I have sworn to lose your number on several occasions. Truth be told, I have deleted it from my 3 phones uncountable times. I have done this in the hope that I forget your existence completely through losing your contact completely. Unfortunately, the same is engraved in my mind and I find myself saving it every time I ‘lose’ it if only to see your WhatsApp profile picture.
This sounds desperate and stupid… I know… I have judged myself too…
There was a time when you and I were good together, or the prospect of us holding our hands through a storm were. When I first met you, it was through your boyfriend. I never thought that I would ever find myself dating a friend’s ex but he passed on and urged me to take care of you.
Do you remember moments before his passing? It was around 4:35 PM and I had just come in with his favorite band at least to make his day lively. Endless pipes ran in and out of his body and I wanted him to feel human again in as much as his eyes were closed. I knew he could hear them sing “Alice…” his favorite song…
I had three coffees – one for you, one for him and one for me. Both of us knew he couldn’t taste it but we couldn’t drink ours without him having his cup. On walking in, you were lying next to him, clasping his hands in your tiny ones. He looked sick but the way you looked broke my heart even more.
I know this will sound selfish and insensible but for him we knew he was leaving us… you? You had your whole life ahead of you. It broke my heart to see how his ailment was breaking you. I wanted to make both of you feel better; at least for him I brought a band, for you, I didn’t know how.
So much happened in the ensuing hour but before he gasped his last breath I promised I would look after you. I tried though. But then I messed up just like everyone else does. I think its because I couldn’t hadle your suffering any longer. I didn’t know how to handle your pain after his loss.
In as much as we never became exclusive, I cared for you in ways I never thought I was capable of. I adored you, I thought about you, I dreamt of you and most importantly I respected you a lot. In a desperation to get close to you I blamed you fir grieving for too long…. I blamed you for looking at me and never really seeing me.. I blamed you for unreplied messages, missed calls, unanswered emails and an unresponsive heart…
I blamed you for things that weren’t really your fault. It was never your fault that you were, and still are in pain. It was never your fault that your heart loved him endlessly; it wasn’t your fault that he was your first love, it wasn’t your fault that your heart had chosen him and only him till eternity.
Not understanding this, I lashed out and the end result was messing something that could have been amazing had I been patient up.
I have been told I was self-centered in expecting you to move on so fast but please understand it wasn’t me… I would have wanted to wait for you but the feelings that overcame me every instance I smelled your perfume couldn’t let me.
I am telling you all this because I am moving away finally. I want to limit our contact and to ake this more effective, I am selling my shares of the company we co own so that I can get breathing space. In doing this, I will give you an opportunity to grieve uninterrupted for as long as you feel necessary.
I will always be there anytime you feel like we can work something out. Unconditionally, I will continue caring for you and I hope that sometime between now and eternity, I hold you in my arms again.